Lovely Little Yokes: #2 – Renovate, Develop, Extend!

[Continuing our series on the discarded, and re-purchased, “found objects” of Ireland. – Ed]

Ireland, perhaps more than most places, knows that the past is a different country. And, rummaging at a fund-raising school book sale, I found this physical embodiment of how different the (recent) past was. It was a land obsessed with how much money property was making it.

Renovate, Develop, Extend! has a secret you see. It looks like just any other lifestyle book tapping into your insane desire to borrow and spend money you don’t have on your bricks and mortar. But in fact it is a full, book-sized ad for mortgages bought and paid for by the EBS, sent out to the members who were being behind the door about getting a second mortgage.

Open it up and you find a letter folded and taped into the inside cover from the Head of Mortgages in EBS.

This go-getting institution didn’t want to wait around for you to get a mortgage. You ought to have got off your sorry ass and been chasing the rainbow like everyone else by now anyway. Clearly the problem was, you were some sort of idiot to leave all this loot on the table. You had to be educated. And who better than an Educational Building Society to do the job?

All the reasons to borrow were collected up and an actual book was commissioned to get you into the exciting new world of Property Development.

But, the reader might have (unlikely as it may seem) said to themselves, what about the future? This seems like quite a lot of money I’m being exhorted to borrow. What if I have some trouble paying it back.

No problem, replied the EBS, We have a special chapter on how to work out the likely financial outcome of all this debt.

It’s all going to be great!

(by Simon McGarr)

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6 thoughts on “Lovely Little Yokes: #2 – Renovate, Develop, Extend!

  1. fústar says:

    Archiving/preserving this crap is an important task. Those who produced material like this now either want to spin it (in dazzling revisionist style) or shovel it into the nearest landfill and come up with a tweaked narrative. As much as you might feel the need to shower after coming into contact with such things, we need to grab this stuff with both hands before it’s gone forever (which will be soon). Interesting that it’s now passing into the charity shop/jumble sale chain. There’s a kick in the hubris for you.

  2. fústar says:

    I also like how imperative the title is. Renovate! Develop! Extend! Resistance is futile – says the Mortgage Borg (bortgage?) collective.

  3. Simon McGarr says:

    The title reminded me of nothing more than the Mission Statement of the Octonauts from CBeebies

    Explore! Rescue! Protect!

    I hear Captain Barnacles’ voice for the audiobook version.

    • fústar says:

      It’s also a bit like a clumsy Buildiing Society appropriation of “Arse! Feck! Girls!”. Which reminds me. You could write a thesis on shit reworkings of the “Choose Life” monologue from Trainspotting. Remember BOI releasing one shortly after the film came out. It was mortifying. Like self-satirising. Was quickly buried – presumably after someone had a word in the ear.

  4. nlgbbbblth says:

    “Add value” – *shudder*

  5. Ms Avery says:

    WOOO! Mortgages for all!

    I like the nonspecific grime all over the cover. It adds a certain je ne sais quoi.

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